wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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