You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
