Ketchup is God's man juice
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
