This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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