I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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