We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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