I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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