You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
