it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
