i don't like sucking hair
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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