Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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