I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
