do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
