You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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