Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
