I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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