It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
