life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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