i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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