when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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