YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
