Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
