ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
