it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
