So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
