I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
