He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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