I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
