She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
