Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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