fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
