Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
