My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize