glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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