"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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