The best revenge is premature balding
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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