Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
