I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
