thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
