went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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