I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize