I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
