please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
