Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
