you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
