"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
