omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
