why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
