Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I need moral support for this bender
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
