Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
