Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
