he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
