After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
