He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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