just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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