now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Did you pee in the oven last night??
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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