3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.