Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
