her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups