you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
