Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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