i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.