I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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