Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
