I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
