my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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