Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
