I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
